My “Why”

I have had a major internal battle on whether or not I want to get super vulnerable with you and tell you the true “why” behind this blog. My goal is to find the light in a world that is so saturated in darkness. The reason I am so passionate about this is because for a long time MY world was consumed by darkness. I was a drug addict for the better part of 9 years. This is obviously something that I am not proud of, and I DO NOT like sharing with people for fear of judgement. I am a totally different person than I was 4 1/2 years ago. But with that being said, my story of overcoming this horrible drug addiction is something that I feel is important for people to hear. My entire life revolved around drugs, yet I was so incredibly desperate to stop using. My soul literally ACHED for freedom from the bondage that I was in. Every time I was high I wanted to get clean, but every time I was going through withdrawal, I would do anything to use again.

I am not going to go into all the gory details of how severe my addiction was, and how many rehabs and detox centers I went through, because that would take all day. But I will say that using drugs provided an escape from my disaster of a life. When I finally got sober and had to face the music of what my life had become, it was not easy. I had to start from square one. I went through The Salvation Army Adult Rehabilitation Program in Fresno, CA. It was based on the Christian religion, and differed a bit from the LDS Church that I had been taught and believed all my life. At first this caused me to resist the program, but after a few spiritual experiences that assured me that I was in the right place, I surrendered to the program and completed it.

For the next year, I was still in a haze. I didn’t know what would make me happy and give me a purpose, or feel like I could be sober for the rest of my life. The thought of never drinking or using again seemed near impossible. Eventually I started setting goals. Goals that required me to progress spiritually, physically, and emotionally. I didn’t know if these goals would give me the purpose I was looking for, so I decided to just test it out and SEE what would happen. While working towards these goals, I felt my heart start to change. I realized that I COULD do hard things, and that most things that are worth anything take hard work and dedication. Things that come easily are usually superficial and shallow. All I knew throughout all my years of using drugs was instant gratification. I couldn’t even perceive the long term effects of my drug use because they didn’t happen immediately.  All I knew was that drugs would make me feel better, even if it was temporary.

The path that I needed to follow to achieve my goals was a straight and narrow path. It gave me the direction I needed to create stability in my life. I wanted to find a guy with good values and a good heart, that I could marry and start a family with. I knew that if I ever wanted to find someone like that I would have to quit my bad habits. I finally realized that I DID want happiness, and a family of my own more than I wanted the instant gratification of getting that next high.

I met Jesse at at a 12 step meeting when I was 18 years old. I wrote my phone number in his 12 step manual, and he wrote a big smiley face next to it. I didn’t see him or hear from him until about 6 years later. We reconnected after we both had got sober and started rebuilding our lives. I never in a million years would have thought that I would marry someone that had a history of drug addiction like I did. I had completely separated myself from that life, and was not going back. But when Jesse and I reconnected, I knew I loved him right away.

I feel extremely grateful to have the life that I have today. I have the most adorable, sweetest, angel of a baby, Jane. Her name literally means “a gift from God”. I have the sweetest, most loving and hilarious husband on the face of the earth. He is a country boy at heart, and dreams of the day that we will have our own farm up in the mountains away from the city.

With all of the negativity and hate that our world is filled with today, it is my goal to find the light through being outside and connecting with the beauty in nature. There is a peace and happiness outside that can be found no where else, and my goal is to spend as much time in that happy place as possible- while encouraging others to do the same.

View More:

3 thoughts on “My “Why”

  1. Thank you for sharing your story. It’s so beautiful and inspiring. I believe many people can find hope, inspiration and strength after reading your testimonial. God bless you and your nice family.


  2. We are related because I married Jesse’s cousin, Justin. He may not know who we are, but I am still happy to be connected with you on facebook. We are proud of you! Being vulnerable and realizing we are not perfect makes us equal with everyone around us.. Check out Brene Brown’s Ted talk. Thanks for sharing sending lot’s of love… We hope to see you and meet your daughter.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply to Ann McCulloch Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s